The Magic of Family Traditions, and Why To Start a New One This Year

Whether it’s lighting the menorah, trimming the tree, or piling onto the couch to watch the same holiday movies year after year, holidays are a time of tradition and ritual. And that’s something we’re wired to participate in. “If you look throughout history, all the way to prehistory, there have been rituals,” says professor Evan Imber-Black, Ph.D., program director of the graduate program in marriage and family therapy at Mercy College and author of a new paper on family rituals during Covid-19. “It’s something that meets a human need for connection, for caring, and for knowing one another.”

At their core, our traditions center us. The gifts and candles and special meals and excitement delight kids and also send them the signal “I belong to this family” says Imber-Black. They provide a sense of stability (something that’s hard to find right now), give kids a sense of continuity and of moving through the year, and impart a feeling of belonging to a family and also to a community.

Of course, technology can help us approximate our usual traditions. We can open gifts over FaceTime and share meals over Zoom. Spending the season together, even if virtually, helps preserve the most important aspect of rituals, which is staying connected with each other.

But with many of our traditions upended, families also have the opportunity this year to try something new. Here’s how to find something that works for your family.

Revisit your childhood

This is a great opportunity for you and your partner, if you have one, to take trips down memory lane and share holiday memories from when each of you were kids, says Imber-Black. “What makes a good ritual is something you both can get excited about,” she says. “Maybe it’s something from each of your families, plus something new.” Pick your favorites from each side and dream up something neither of you have done before, and start doing it this year. It could be as simple as a particular breakfast food or treat, watching a certain movie each year, or wearing special clothing items, or more elaborate, like gifting traditions or visiting a tree farm together.

Make a tradition of giving

If older kids are grumpy about missing out on the usual holiday cheer—visits with cousins, dinner at Grandma’s—Imber-Black suggests redirecting them towards what they can do for others. Finding a way to volunteer or give back together as a family is a great tradition to start this year (or any time), and helps make the season meaningful, especially as kids hit the pre-teen years and above.

Start your own collection

If you usually travel for Christmas and don’t bother to get your own tree, or always light the candles at a relative’s home, you may not yet have your own collection of holiday paraphernalia. Now is a great time to start one. As you slowly build it up over time, the objects will hold memories that you’ll revisit year after year. Your family will feel a collective ownership over them—a sense of “this is ours,” says Imber-Black—that makes you feel extra bonded.

Tell stories

Whether you buy a new book each holiday season, read the same ones every year, or make up new ones of your own, telling stories is a time-tested family tradition. Perhaps you start this year by writing and illustrating a story together, suggests Imber-Black. Next year you can take it out and ask “how should we change it?” or “what can we add?” As the story changes it will reflect the evolution of your family.

Remember, it’s not set in stone

After the holidays, look back on the photos and decide what you’ll adjust and what you’ll repeat. When you find something that touches your heart, and gives you memories you want to preserve, you’ll know you’ve found something that should stick around, says Imber-Black.