How to Raise a Restaurant-Ready Kid

Start at the Diner

These are easy and affordable places to be a regular. Getting in the habit of eating out regularly is the first step in raising a diner-outer. Diners have other pluses: There’s something for everyone on the menu, especially burgers and fries. The food arrives quickly and you can get it at any hour of the day or night. If it’s a popular joint, the whole neighborhood in all its quirky splendor will come through the doors and children will just be part of life’s rich pageant to the staff. At Joe Jr.’s, our long-gone and much-mourned local diner in Greenwich Village, the movie director John Waters was often at the counter dressed in his neatly pressed suits sipping coffee in a fastidious, mannered way. Isaac Mizrahi, too, was a regular during his pre-TV days. Our kids slurping chicken soup barely raised an eyebrow.

Distraction Is Your Ally

As a stunt for a story, I once took a gaggle of five-year-olds to Le Cirque. It was there that I realized crayons and paper are the Kryptonite of the children’s restaurant world: invaluable tools that render even the most obnoxiously empowered 5-year-old momentarily passive and mute. Communal participatory meals are also excellent time-tested ways to keep kids engaged with what they’re eating, whether it’s Mongolian hot pot, Korean BBQ, Japanese shabu-shabu or shared ice cream sundaes. How else do you explain the enduring success of Benihana?

Only Order Takeout Once a Week

Takeout is a siren song for busy, big-city families but try your best to regulate the steady flow of pizzas, warmed-over Seamless souvlaki and soggy cartons of Chinese grub. The old favorites like General Tso’s Chicken have flourished in the city’s carry-out culture because they’re indestructible and can survive being delivered in a carton on the back of the bike; however, most dishes (and even cuisines) need to be eaten at a restaurant within minutes of being prepared. Also, if you rely on it, you’re never cooking for yourself or going out. That makes two missed opportunities to develop a palette or broaden a little someone’s horizons.

Learn Professor Platt’s Toddler Ratio

For every child five-and-under in your party, subtract six minutes from optimal dining time. If your fantasy of a leisurely restaurant experience runs an hour and you have three young children in tow, you need to be in and out in 42 minutes. If it goes longer than that, you’re flirting with a China Syndrome-worthy meltdown. Tactical decisions need to be made, i.e., “Please bring our appetizers with our main courses.” One gloss to the theory is this: When dining in larger groups, like a kindergarten outing, things tend to go smoothly if one parent is appointed the bad cop and disciplinarian.

Yes, I Really Do Want to Be Seated in Siberia

At grander establishments, the table by the swinging kitchen door—where unfortunate tourist families from the hinterlands are often banished—is your friend. When dining with young kids, especially lots of them, look for places where no one can hear you scream.

This Too Shall Pass