Co-Parenting Through the Holidays

Here are a few things I’m not doing this year: holiday cards, hosting the class latke party, doing special Christmas wrapping paper for the Christian side of the family and blue and white paper for the Chanukah Harry crew. 

In my marriage, this is just a handful of the December stuff that’s usually mine to handle. It’s not that my husband puts his finger on his nose and says, “Not it.” He’d do any of it if I asked (unlike me...I hate helping him with his one major holiday dad duty—driving eight hours through the snow to get to Grandma’s). But these things aren’t as important to him as they are to me, so usually I do them. And this year, I finally decided: This year, I’m giving myself a break and opting out. 

Like so very many things, the holidays are different this year, and I am using that as an opportunity to reset a bit. To really look at what matters to our kids, to our health and happiness as a family. Who knows, maybe by next year, I’ll be commissioning an ice sculpture of our dog for the front lawn (okay, probably not), but my hope is that we will hang onto some of the lower expectations and the simpler joys of unrushed time together. As we all recalibrate, here are three questions you shared about the division of holiday everything…

 

Q: How do I get my husband to take care of his family's gifts so we aren't scrambling on 12/24?

Have you...asked him? My advice: Be direct in your request and acknowledge it if this is a departure from the way you usually handle the present buying. You don’t need him to feel guilty that this never occurred to him before, or even appreciative of all of the time you’ve put into this in the past (although those things might feel nice). All you really need is for him to plan and buy and ship the darn presents to save you some time and decision making. 

If you say something like, “Hey, I know in the past, I’ve taken care of all of the gift finding. This year, could you handle your side of the family?” you’re giving him a pass for any previous inequity and simply looking forward. Then—here’s the giant bow-wrapped catch—you have to be okay with whatever he picks, including if he doesn’t maintain the exact standards you’ve had years of practicing yourself. 

Along the way, if he asks for advice on where to look, or budget, or people’s taste, or wrapping (there might not be wrapping!), sure, go ahead and give your best tips, and consider that an investment in his ability to do this on his own next year too. But, don’t micromanage or direct the process. Believe me, you didn’t marry a dummy, and the person you trust to co-parent your kids with you is perfectly capable of spelling your nephew’s name correctly and distinguishing between a shipping address and a billing address. And he’d like to think you know that, too.

Q: How do I tell my religious in-laws to keep Christmas vibes about ritual, not religion, since I'm Jewish?

Oh, this is a hard one, and it really depends on what you mean by “vibes.” To me, most things that are vibes (Christmas sweaters, Mariah Carey on the radio) are ritualistic, but not religious...and that’s the kind of joy-bringing stuff you don’t want to be Scrooge-y about, especially this year. Instead, meet ‘em where they are and get your Judah Maccabee on with some awesome velvet menorah critter pants or something. Sometimes we can make ourselves feel less defensive by claiming some ground of our own. 

About that defensiveness, and to go a bit deeper, I’m Jewish too, and I grew up in a community that was very Christian, and religiously so. As a little kid, I had other children tell me they weren’t allowed to play with me, or beg me to come to church with them so I could be saved from going to hell. So, I get that this cuts deeper than being annoyed at all of the red and green on display in the drugstore aisle the day after Halloween. And that the “vibes” you mention from your in-laws may be of a more judgmental variety.

Know this: As much as it feels like you are the underdog here, the religious minority, you are the person your husband, their son, chose to spend his life with, and to raise children with. If anything, your in-laws may feel that they’re on the defensive. 

General rule to internalize: In their home, and in their religious community, they can practice their religion however they’d like. You and your husband can decide whether your child is there to be a part of it. In your home, include them in your Jewish celebrations and they can choose whether or not to participate. If they push on wanting to bring Christianity into your home, ask your husband to have a kind but firm conversation with them about the things (so many things!) the two religions have in common: forgiveness, inclusion, gratitude, ethics, charity, belief in something larger than yourself. And then offer to build new traditions together that teach your children those lessons. Maybe before meals together, you say a little word of gratitude. Or at holiday time, you do a family-wide closet clean-out for charity. Or you make cards together for children in the hospital. Ultimately, you all want the same thing: thoughtful grandkids who love their family and their community. This way, they absolutely will. 

Q: My husband grew up with no family traditions; I had many. How do we create our own for our family?

This is fascinating to me. Really, no family traditions? Like they didn’t celebrate any holidays at all? Of course I understand if your husband was raised in an atheist home, or was bounced around with inconsistent housing or unstable guardianship, or the like. But a situation like that aside, I’d bet all of my holiday cookies that he’s got some traditions in there...just maybe not ones that sound special to him (or to you). So, to unearth them, look at old pictures or ask his mom and dad (or siblings) if there are any family stories they remember that you’d enjoy hearing. You might uncover a gem, and even if not, they’re going to think you’re wonderful for asking.

As for creating your own together (which I agree is really the best, especially this year), two things:

Use the chaos of this year as a jumping off point. What cool thing could you do to make staying home this year extra special? Or what virtual family gathering could you plan for now… and plan to keep for next year, too, to include anyone who can’t be with you in person? We will remember this year with awe and pride, and I have a feeling a LOT of the things we are doing right now that feel like consolation prizes will feel special by next year.

Remember that some of the best, silliest, and most unique traditions happen by accident. I’m thinking of my cousin Suzanne’s burnt green beans—now a family staple made in five different states. Or years ago, at my mother-in-law’s house in the middle of the most beautifully planned dinner, the Christmas music XM radio channel played an awful version of Jingle Bells that was a bunch of dogs woofing the tune...and her dog howled and howled along. Now, obviously, we play that song every year. This year, I’m kind of dying to see what our pup does. These little unplanned moments are the precious inside jokes of family life. And they only happen if you let them. Don’t overplan. Do over-relax and enjoy. 

Lauren Smith Brody is the author and founder of The Fifth Trimester: The Working Mom's Guide to Style, Sanity and Big Success After Baby. You can follow her on instagram @thefifthtrimester.