Friendship Dilemmas

Last week, I broke a personal pandemic record. Nope, not number of meals cooked, or teacher emails received, or work deadlines met. I took— wait for it—three walks with friends. Three! It was glorious. It’s taken me months to figure out who’s around, and how to carve out time, and how to get my anxious younger son to be okay with being left home for an hour so I can do it.

Truth is, I was starving for this time, and its impact floated me through the rest of the week (which was indeed filled with teacher emails, 1000 dishwasher unloadings, and some insane work deadlines). Lori, Kalpana, and Maura and I talked about everything and nothing, in weather we wouldn’t have dreamt of going out in before this year.

My memories of this brutal time will always include these walks. I will also always remember not being able to give my very best friend of 25 years a hug when she told me she and her husband were splitting. And my beloved “The Girls” group text dinging 56 times when I was on a one-hour work call. And being dumped by a dear friend. And making a new friend entirely on Zoom/Facetime calls!

When we look back on the necessities of this time— family, food, shelter, health—I now know that for me, friendships belong on that list. And that’s life-changing perspective that will help me prioritize accordingly. I hope the answers to these questions help you do the same.

Thoughts on finding mom friends online? I have trust issues with that...but also, I have no mom friends. And really want some.

I’m not sure there’s anything more vulnerable than saying to someone, “I want to be your friend.” But doing it online, with everybody watching...and judging and mom-shaming and not controlling their thumb impulses? I get why you might have trust issues. But a pandemic that’s keeping everyone at home is the perfect excuse to try. And there are definitely actual strategies you can use to make yourself feel comfortable.

1) Join online communities that are moderated, for one, and that have guidelines about what can and can’t be discussed and shared. No hate speech, no discrimination.

2) Try to make sure there’s a common thread among the users, whether that’s your neighborhood, or a podcast you all listen to (Forever35 Facebook Parents subgroup, I heart you!), so you have at least one thing in common in addition to motherhood.

3) Do NOT give a flying fig leaf how many likes people give you on your comments. You are here to make friends, not thousands-of-friends. Do not be performative.

4) Do not shame any other mother, ever. We are all doing our best with the resources and support and mental health we’ve got.

5) Once you have your little intimate sub-group, exchange numbers, form a group text, and actually speak on the phone with your vocal chords sometimes too.

As for the deeper question here, about trust: I suspect you, like so many of us, have been disappointed or betrayed by friends in the past. I’m thinking hard right now about fallings-out that I’ve had over the years, or times when I’ve seen people grow apart, or ghost, or gossip, or lash out. And they all have one thing in common: They were about something that was going on with one friend, internally, and really nothing to do with the other. So, if you’ve been on the receiving end, try to remember it wasn’t about you. And—tough love moment—if you were the one in the wrong, write the friend a note to apologize. She may not want to reconnect, but you’ll feel better about trying again with someone new.

My mom friend wants to move to my new town. I don't "own" it but I feel territorial. Help!

What a great and honest question! The fact that you’re even self-aware enough to ask it makes me know that you’re going to be just fine. I suspect that you feel like you put in major work here, and you might be resentful that your friend hasn’t had to “earn” the new life that you worked so hard to create— in a pandemic, with the real estate market upside-down, and schools in flux, and no in-person welcome parties, and your kids disoriented—for your family. You want some credit. I get that. To solve the issue, enlist your kids. It’s always easiest to do the right thing when you’re doing it to set an example for your children. Together, create a little welcome guide to town for your friend and her kids, sharing everything from free-sprinkles-Sundays, to local recycling tips, to the preferred feeding times for the ducks in the pond that you found back in the fall. I have a feeling that as you’re doing this exercise, you’ll either realize you’re being petty and get over it, or you’ll deliver the whole detailed thing and feel like the resilient queen you are!

How do I cope with feeling let down by friends/family who don't keep in as close touch as I do with them?

I think it can help to do a little reframe on the definition of “close touch.” For some people, that means lots of little touches—a comment on your Insta post, a happy Friday text, a double order of a great picture book, one for their kid, one for yours. And for other people, it’s a twice a year MAJOR touch, like a super thoughtful birthday present, or a girls’ trip (one day we will take those again!), and then months of radio silence. Both of these kinds of people love each other very much. Sometimes people who aren’t in touch as frequently are worried about setting up expectations of communication that they can’t meet. I suggest letting them off the hook a bit by saying, “I love that even when it’s been ages since we’ve talked, we catch right up like no time has passed. This is such a valuable friendship to me.” You might just be surprised that by letting them let go of any guilt they associate with you...they want to get in touch more!

I really want to remain friends with people with different views (politics, covid, etc.) but, how?

Back in November, a friend from my boys’ school told me that she didn’t know a single person who had voted for the other guy. Not one. I was shocked. Most of my friends (certainly my good ones) are politically aligned with me and have similar public safety priorities. But...in a time when we are all feeling so very isolated in so many ways, I have been surprisingly glad for my friends and family who are not in my little homogenous bubble. No, I definitely don’t want to talk with them about taxes or the Affordable Care Act (which is not to say that I ignore these issues—they are vital—but I’ve learned I can’t trust myself to be civil!), but sharing a recommendation for a TV show or a book? Or talking about re-learning multiplication tables? These are the ways in, the things we have in common that build trust and openness so we can get to the bigger stuff too, when we are ready. I say: Keep your friends.

Lauren Smith Brody is the author and founder of The Fifth Trimester: The Working Mom's Guide to Style, Sanity and Big Success After Baby. You can follow her on instagram @thefifthtrimester.