Playing Favorites: What To Do When Your Child Prefers One Parent

Does your child play favorites and insist on one parent over the other?  

Do they only want one of you to put them to bed? Push their stroller? Give them a bath? Do pretty much anything? When the other person or caregiver is around, does it sometimes feel like why even bother? 

If you're the "Rejected Parent" (RP), it's hard not to take it personally, but actually playing favorites is a normal and common developmental phase thanks to children's:

● Drive for independence. Young children have a drive for independence yet few opportunities to experience autonomy. Insisting only a specified person put their shoes on or read to them at bedtime gives them a chance to feel autonomous.

● Secure attachment. Normal assertions of independence feel safe within the context of a trusted, secure-attachment.

● Desire for control. Being human means being wired for agency and demanding a preference is one way some children attempt to have more control over their world.

Regardless of the reason for the preference, it's beneficial to their development, as well as both parties' sanity and relationship, that they get the chance to develop intimate and meaningful relationships with both of you.  

Fortunately, there are various evidence-based strategies for handling things, whether you're the "Rejected Parent" (RP) or the "Favorite," aka "Preferred Parent" (PP).

If you are the "Rejected Parent" (RP)…

It's hard to be rejected by your child, and it can feel equally frustrating and depressing. Sadly, the feelings that being an RP provokes often exacerbate and perpetuate things. So instead, here are some ways to get back to cultivating the kind of relationship most of us (especially RP's) long for:

● Adjust your lens. It's a developmental phase caused by a drive for independence, autonomy, and control in the context of a secure attachment. As hard as it may be to believe in the face of "I love you ten and PP 10,000," it isn't personal.

● Show yourself compassion, but don't take it personally. It's easy to feel hurt, rejected, jealous, even resentful, and hard (for anyone) not to take it personally, which is why it's essential to notice the kind of thoughts/feelings being "rejected" incites. If you take it personally, you will be much more likely to react with hurt and anger and unintentionally exacerbate the preference. Your child's playing favorites phase will pass quicker if they get nothing out of it.

● Don't equate preference with love. They are not the same thing.

● Stay calm and confident. Model unconditional love, confidence, and self-regulation by not reacting. When your child rejects you, rise above the fray and respond with something like, "I know you really want daddy to take you to school today, but he can't do it today, which I know is disappointing."

● Keep a sense of humor. At least in your head. Self-talk is important, but no sarcasm allowed.

● Be the leader. Sure, it feels simpler to let your child decide who does what, but that gives young children way more power than they're developmentally ready to handle. Young children feel safer knowing that we are their calm and confident leaders who can show love while they hold limits.

● Expect pushback. Children shouldn't be expected to like our limits (and most of the time, they won't). That's okay.

● Validate your child's feelings. Empathize with your child's feelings (e.g., "Tonight I'm going to read you your books, and I know that feels disappointing since you're sad that "PP" isn't going to do it.").

● Don't give in to their demands. Either give them a choice, e.g., "Your choice is for me to read books tonight, " or just go to bed. You decide." Or, start carrying out the task in a way that ideally distracts them from feeling "forced" into something against their will. For example, choose a book you know they'll like, get comfortable and begin reading in a way that captures their attention.

• ● Don't react. As you set the limit, keep your tone and posture relaxed and upbeat.
• ● Start small. Choose one "RP" situation, routine, or activity and begin there (e.g., bathtime). By gradually building new habits and routines bit by bit, you'll increase connection and positive experiences with your child, which should make future situations easier.
• ● Protect one-on-one time. Usually, when the "PP" is out of the picture, and there's no choice, a person's "RP" status dissolves, and their child becomes just fine with them taking charge of their care. So, be intentional in setting up these one-on-one routines while "PP" makes themselves scarce, at least for now. There's nothing like intimate caregiving opportunities (e.g., bathing, diapering, bedtime) to promote bonding and closeness.

If you are the "Preferred Parent" (PP)…

While being the "PP" is flattering, it can also be totally exhausting. And, while it might feel harsh to not oblige your little darling's insistence that you be the one to meet every-single-one-of-their-needs-and-wants, in the name of self-preservation, as well as partner cultivation, it's important that you do so. So here's some suggestions on how:

● Adjust your lens. See the behavior for what it is, a developmental phase. Your child is not manipulating you, and you shouldn't feel guilty or sad for not indulging in their every demand. Ultimately, we want our children to see us working together and supporting each other. This means resisting the urge to attend to your child's demands that you "brush their teeth" or "wipe their tush" when "RP" is trying to carry out the task. What you do in these moments sends powerful messages to your child about how to interpret the situation.

● Share the "fun." Consider your and your partner's roles. Are they more or less balanced when it comes to fun and discipline? Have-to's with want-tos? Do you both decide on limits and carry them out? If not, try meeting more in the middle, ditching any "good cop/bad cop roles," and spreading the fun, love, and discipline more equally.

● Validate. Let your child know that you "get" whatever feeling they're experiencing because they wanted you and not "RP." For example, "You're upset because you were hoping I would read to you tonight, but dad is going to read to you tonight." Give them space to express feelings that will likely be the result. Feelings should always be allowed and heard.

● Hold your ground. Briefly explain why you can't do whatever your child asks and clarify that "RP" is doing with them instead. Don't wait for them to "like" this decision or for their permission to go ahead.

● Be self-aware. Notice any thoughts/feelings that being the "PP" incites (e.g., guilt, distress, sadness, pride), so you'll be less likely to unintentionally give in to their "PP" demands.

● Talk up and support "RP." In the face of your child's resistance to "RP," let your response communicate how you feel about the situation (e.g., "How fun that dad is giving you a bath tonight!").