How To Raise Compassionate Kids in an Unjust World

For those who have not yet read your book but want to know more, can you tell us how you define Social Justice Parenting?

Social justice parenting is a way to be intentional and purposeful in the way we raise children to care deeply, love radically, and show up for themselves and others. It’s a way to raise children who are more compassionate, more kind and who believe in the power of activism. Social Justice Parenting requires you, as a pare nt, to move through your own fears through self-reflection and honest dialogue so you can create space to unlearn and relearn the lessons needed to take action to change the things that marginalize, hurt and stereotype others–and teach your children to do the same.

How did your own experience as a mother of five biracial children inspire you to create this roadmap and share it with others?

My motherhood journey has been the north star for my work. Everything that I do in the space of belonging or making the world better for others is through the lens of being a mother. Social justice parenting is a direct result of my experiences, both the successes and the hard lessons, as a mother. I think raising biracial children has unique challenges. Helping our children navigate their racial identity when they have been told, or at least felt like, they weren’t being black enough or white enough. As a Black mother, I want them to embrace all that they are in both racial identities but I NEED them to know what it means to be Black in a world that isn’t always kind to them based on their skin. I think the notion of needing the world to see my children as whole and complete was the impetus for my putting this road map on paper. The more we can embrace society’s children as our own and radically love them all, the more we can get to a place where compassion, kindness and equity can be the default and not the exception.

What advice would you give to someone who is just starting out on their Social Justice Parenting journey?

Remember, it is a journey. It’s not a linear path. Our entry points are as diverse as each of us. There are two things that parents can start with. The first is to create a set of core values in your home. It’s important that children know what’s important to you as a family. Discuss them together (if your children are old enough, invite them to contribute to the discussion), write them down, revisit them so every child knows them well. These core values will guide all the decisions you make as a parent. They bring you back to what is important when fear clouds your decision-making for your children. The second thing I would suggest parents do is to create safe spaces in their homes where kids can trust us to listen, to love and to let them be who they authentically are.

And what does it mean to be an ally? What are some common mistakes you have seen people make and how can they be avoided?

Allyship is the actions, behaviors and practices that you can do to advocate for and amplify the voices of others. Specifically, it’s about showing up for people who are different from you, who may not share the same power and privilege in specific identities that you do. I think when people engage in “performative” type allyship it can be controversial. For example, many people posting the black square on their IG or Facebook page for a couple of days or retweeting a BLM post. Allyship is not “on trend”— it’s hard work that is continuous and selfless. When you say you are doing ally work and you center yourself, speak more than you listen and you take up a lot of space, then you should rethink your allyship journey. To be an effective ally, you should be humble. You should also be open to learning, constructive feedback and making mistakes. I think the most important advice that I would give is to remember you are not speaking for others but you are using your identity’s power and privilege to make space for others to be heard.

You write a lot about moving past fear as a parent and that gut reaction or “Mama Bear syndrome” all mothers have to shield and protect their children from the world. That’s natural, but it can also be problematic. Can you explain why?

Fear-based parenting is the need to control, direct or protect your children at any cost. I think we enter into the spaces of fear-based parenting for similar reasons. We all want to protect our children. We want to keep them safe and are sometimes not sure how to do that. Often we project our own anxiety and stressors directly onto our children. If we are showing up for them in this fear-based, over-protective model of parenting we can do long-term harm. It limits their experiences and opportunities, limits the people with whom they communicate, it doesn’t allow natural curiosity to flourish or makes them afraid to try new things. And ultimately, when we parent from fear, we are often only thinking about our own children. When you are so focused on protecting your children, you can’t see the world from other perspectives. I think Social Justice Parenting is the antidote to fear-based parenting--being brave, showing up when it’s hard, being vulnerable--that’s what we want to model for our children.

You also write a lot about the power of self-reflection. Why is it so important to understand how our own experiences impact the parents that we become?

It’s difficult to show up as your best self as a parent without reflecting on your prior experiences and childhood practices--and how those things influence your beliefs and core values. This includes any biases and stereotypes that you continue to hold on to. If we want to engage in more humane parenting and teaching, we have to be willing to unlearn, relearn, and model what and who we want our children to be.

In your chapter on Raising Anti-Racist children, you share a few tactical steps that can be taken to move toward anti-racism, from examining the contacts in your phone to surveying the diversity of your children’s books and toys. Can you share a few of those simple changes here and why it is best to start small?

I think people often think antiracist work is a big unattainable goal. When it really is one action at a time. One after the another. It’s the daily way we show up and model the behaviors about how we treat and stand up for others that we want our children to repeat. The first step is to examine your own biases and how they impact your thoughts and behavior and your parenting. Be mindful of your nonverbal cues when you are in the presence of someone who's different from you (body language, facial expressions) because your children are always watching. Engage in intentional conversations with your children. Don't wait until the "perfect" moment or wait until your children bring it up. Talk about current events and how they impact your family and how your family can be a part of the solution. Expose your children to differences, like cultural events, museums and restaurants to normalize a diverse world. All of these, one at a time seem simple and doable tasks but, over time, they become the building blocks on your anti-racist journey.

You write that “Motherhood is a form of activism,” and that while this has long been true, the death of George Floyd in May 2020 felt like an urgent call to action for all mothers. Can you tell us more about the inherent power of mothers and how we can harness that individual power for the collective good?

I think that motherhood is the strongest, most powerful force of change. So many policy changes that we’ve seen over the years have been because a mother or a group of moms have had enough and needed to see something transformed. I look at my audience, the Social Justice Parenting Village...they are moms who are rolling up their sleeves asking me how do we do this better? How do we do this together? How do I hold space for your children and you hold space for mine? I truly believe if we are going to create a generation of humans who can figure out how to see the humanness in others, how to honor and respect differences, how to stand in the gap for people who are marginalized and use our privileged identities as a tool for change, it will be through the actions of mothers. Motherhood is activism!

What is the most important thing that you hope readers take away from this book?

As parents, we are imperfect humans raising imperfect humans. We can’t always get it right. I am hopeful that by reading this book, parents embrace their imperfection while walking away with tools to support their journey in raising more compassionate, kind and justice-minded children. I am hopeful that parents give themselves grace as they work toward intentionally creating belonging in their homes so their children will grow up to create spaces of belonging in the world.

You can find Dr. Traci Baxley on Instagram @socialjusticeparenting.