Ask Dr. Bronwyn
Empowering Girls Through Language
From compliments, to common phrases, behavior exhortations to admonishments, the way we speak to our daughters matters. More so than planned “talks” and inspiring sermons though, it’s the daily ways we validate feelings, model effective communication, encourage autonomy and support healthy risk-taking that foster girls’ self-worth and embolden their confidence. It’s a good idea then to become more mindful of the ways we speak to our daughters, which may actually undermine our goals of raising girls who express their feelings, speak their minds and defy dysfunctional cultural norms. Here’s a simple cheat sheet of substitutions for commonly used words, compliments, phrases and directives that you might find useful.
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Instead of “Don’t be sad, don’t cry, etc.,” say “I see you’re feeling sad. Tell me about it.”
Instead of “Give X a kiss, hug, etc.,” when your daughter seems reluctant to do so, say “How would you like to show X that you’re happy to see them?”
Instead of “I love your sparkly shoes, pretty dress, cute headband, etc.,” say “I love that good idea,” or “I love how many questions you ask and how curious you are about things.”
Instead of “Powder puff, privates, down there, or pee pee,” say “Vagina,” at least initially, so that your daughter knows the correct anatomical names of her body parts and isn’t afraid to say them.
Instead of “Ugh, my stomach is so fat,” say “I love how strong my arms have gotten, first from carrying you, and now the baby. What part of your body do you love?”
Instead of “That’s not nice,” say “Sounds like you’re having a hard time agreeing on what to play. Can you think of something you would both like to do?”
Instead of “Stop being so bossy,” say “It’s neat to hear what a strong voice you have, just make sure you’re also a strong listener.”
Instead of “You’re so pretty, cute, beautiful,” say “I love your face,” or “I love the way your eyes light up when you smile.”
Instead of “Stop complaining,” say “What are ways you could make things better? Different? Less frustrating?”
Instead of “Be nice,” say “I wonder how that makes your friend feel? How could you say it differently, so she doesn’t feel that way?”
Instead of “Stop being so dramatic,” say “I can tell you’re feeling big feelings, tell me about it.”
Instead of “Let me fix your ponytail, braid, barrette, etc., ” say “Neat hairstyle. I love how creative you are.”
Instead of “Let me do it,” say “I love that you want to try hard things. Let me know if you need some help.”
Instead of “I’ll email your teacher to let them know you feel that way,” say “What would you like to tell your teacher?"
Instead of “Stop being so difficult,” say “You seem like you really don’t want to XX. What’s up?”