Happy Holidays from the Johnsons

Dear friends, family, colleagues and mothers of ex-boyfriends whom I would very much like to know how wonderful (and normal!) my life has turned out,

First, I am so sorry that The Johnsons' Annual Holiday Happy Newsletter has found its way to your mailbox so late. You know I prize punctuality, but if 2020 has taught us anything it’s that time is a construct and nothing really matters! Maybe you even thought we’d skip the newsletter this year because, well, GLOBAL PANDEMIC!! 

I know we have often railed against screens in these annual missives—how much more enriching to hit the Appalachian Trail or climb Kilimanjaro en famille, or to teach your children the life-long lesson of how to behave in a first-class cabin. In another time, we might have encouraged you and yours to simply go outside or travel the world. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! This year, however, we have embraced a diversity of parenting approaches from the novel “All screens all the time,” (our kids will be tech founders, you just wait!) to a more Free Range style, which mostly involves sending the children outside and hoping for the best. We also play that game “Whoever talks first loses,” quite a bit.

Overall, we’ve really enjoyed this cherished time with the children and watching them blossom before our eyes. Between tirades about my printing the wrong math sheet or boiling noodles for dinner yet again, our daughter, Cindy, has dedicated herself to a literary project reimagining famous quotes from her favorite writers for the year 2020. I love them all but Dorothy Parker’s “What fresh hellscape is this?,” might be my favorite. We’ve even turned it into a craft where we spell out each quote with noodles painted and dipped in papier mache. We roll them in a sourdough starter and then glue them on to freshly tie-dyed t-shirts. 

Our oldest, Judd, is thrilled to attend his sophomore year of college from the comfort of home. He has installed the most charming padlock on his door and I think he may even be growing a garden in his closet. He tends it so carefully and it just warms my heart.  

Finally, I wanted to address a bit of drama that has befallen the Johnson family in this most unusual year. You may have seen my husband Bobby’s viral TikTok video feature post about finding all of the love letters I wrote to Mo Willems early in quarantine. It was right when the whole Lunch Doodles thing took off. We all know the expression “That was not on my 2020 Bingo Card,” and let me tell you, falling for Mo Willems and fantasizing about shooting this holiday card photo from his mid-century studio in Maine—all of us clad in charcoal grey cable knit sweaters perfectly matched to that divine streak in his lustrous hair—was not on mine, but here we are. It’s not my fault that the sound of Mo’s marker moving across the paper is the most soothing sound I have ever heard. Or that he was kind and patient and funny and attentive as he taught my children to draw through the screen, affording me twenty precious minutes every morning to just sip a cocktail and relax. I can only count my blessings that Bobby has forgiven me, which was in no way related to the fact that it was quarantine and he had nowhere else to go. Anyway, WE ARE MORE IN LOVE THAN EVER! 

Wishing you and yours joy, happiness and a cornucopia of mental health resources in the year ahead.

With peace and love from rock bottom,

The Johnsons

P.S. We haven’t seen the baby in a couple of days so if he happens to be in your yard, could you please point him in the direction of home?