Le Cheat Sheet
The Power of Showing Up
In their new book, “The Power of Showing Up: How Parental Presence Shapes Who Our Kids Become and How Their Brains Get Wired,” the best-selling authors Daniel Siegel and Tina Payne Bryson hone in on one of the most important thing parents can do for their children. Here are five key take-aways.
- Written By
- Liz McDaniel
Mind The 4 S’s
In order to show up for your child you must first understand the four building blocks of healthy development. You want your child to feel what Siegel and Bryson call the 4 S’s: Safe, Seen, Soothed and Secure. The 4 S’s are interrelated and they are not all as straightforward as they may seem. Providing safety, for example, is not just about protecting your children from physical and emotional harm but also means letting them feel safe to explore new challenges by supporting their efforts rather than rescuing them. Seeing our children is not just about paying attention to them and their behavior, but taking the time to consider what’s really going on behind those behaviors. And soothing is not about minimizing your child’s pain or providing a life of ease, but working with them to understand and regulate their emotions. Security, of course, is the ultimate goal: a sense of well-being at home and in the world.
Showing Up Starts With Yourself
Much of the book is dedicated to helping parents understand the quality of their own early attachments. The authors consistently argue that what matters more than whether things were good or bad is the ability to form a coherent narrative around one’s own childhood and to understand how that has impacted the person and parent they’ve become. As Siegel and Bryson put it, “By doing your own personal inner work and earning a secure attachment, you break the cycle of insecure attachments and improve the lives of the generations who follow you.”
Watch Your Nonverbal Cues
Nonverbal cues are so important when it comes to showing up and providing a quality of presence. When interacting with your child, it’s a good idea to scan your body from head to toe. Are you making eye contact? What is your facial expression like? Are your arms folded or open to welcome them? What is your posture like? “These nonverbal signs are a central way we connect with one another,” writes Siegal and Bryson. “Pay attention to how you might be coming across to your kids, even when you say nothing at all.”
Create Time and Space For Connection
Just a few extra minutes together at bedtime when children are more apt to share their thoughts and feelings can make all the difference. It also helps to move beyond questions like “How was your day?” and get more specific, like “How was it rehearsing for the play today?” And if your child just wants to sit quietly, that’s okay, too. The goal is simply to show up and to create a time and space for sharing.
Perfection Is Not The Goal
No parent is perfect and the authors are quick to acknowledge the myriad of ways we might mess up. The good news is that less than perfect parental reactions can give kids a chance to learn how to deal with conflict and difficult situations. The most important thing is to prioritize your relationship with your child and to quickly repair any mistakes. Apologize. Laugh together. And just keep showing up.
In order to show up for your child you must first understand the four building blocks of healthy development. You want your child to feel what Siegel and Bryson call the 4 S’s: Safe, Seen, Soothed and Secure. The 4 S’s are interrelated and they are not all as straightforward as they may seem. Providing safety, for example, is not just about protecting your children from physical and emotional harm but also means letting them feel safe to explore new challenges by supporting their efforts rather than rescuing them. Seeing our children is not just about paying attention to them and their behavior, but taking the time to consider what’s really going on behind those behaviors. And soothing is not about minimizing your child’s pain or providing a life of ease, but working with them to understand and regulate their emotions. Security, of course, is the ultimate goal: a sense of well-being at home and in the world.
Showing Up Starts With Yourself
Much of the book is dedicated to helping parents understand the quality of their own early attachments. The authors consistently argue that what matters more than whether things were good or bad is the ability to form a coherent narrative around one’s own childhood and to understand how that has impacted the person and parent they’ve become. As Siegel and Bryson put it, “By doing your own personal inner work and earning a secure attachment, you break the cycle of insecure attachments and improve the lives of the generations who follow you.”
Watch Your Nonverbal Cues
Nonverbal cues are so important when it comes to showing up and providing a quality of presence. When interacting with your child, it’s a good idea to scan your body from head to toe. Are you making eye contact? What is your facial expression like? Are your arms folded or open to welcome them? What is your posture like? “These nonverbal signs are a central way we connect with one another,” writes Siegal and Bryson. “Pay attention to how you might be coming across to your kids, even when you say nothing at all.”
Create Time and Space For Connection
Just a few extra minutes together at bedtime when children are more apt to share their thoughts and feelings can make all the difference. It also helps to move beyond questions like “How was your day?” and get more specific, like “How was it rehearsing for the play today?” And if your child just wants to sit quietly, that’s okay, too. The goal is simply to show up and to create a time and space for sharing.
Perfection Is Not The Goal
No parent is perfect and the authors are quick to acknowledge the myriad of ways we might mess up. The good news is that less than perfect parental reactions can give kids a chance to learn how to deal with conflict and difficult situations. The most important thing is to prioritize your relationship with your child and to quickly repair any mistakes. Apologize. Laugh together. And just keep showing up.